7. It’s Not About Sex, It’s About Love

It’s not about sex, it’s about love. New moms naturally and dramatically shift their attention, intimacy and love from dad to their baby. If mom is not happy with dad, your relationship can suffer dramatically. Even if you don’t feel like sex, he still needs to feel the love.

It’s really about mom and dads’ relationship, the key factor in your child’s happiness and welfare for years to come. And one that often gets less attention than your choice of diapers.

Your best intentions for your new family life – a happy couple raising a beautiful child together – get forgotten when you start thinking of how you are going to give birth to your baby. Then you bring your baby home and the demanding first months turn home life into a roller coaster ride; he just needs to accept this new reality and do whatever he can to help you – your way preferably. Many new dads don’t read minds well; to a hard pressed, hormonally driven new mom, he is lagging. This is why frustration and even anger regarding dad is so prevalent during their first years of motherhood.

A dad’s perspective is very different. Mom-to-be gets all the attention, as it should be. Hormones make you very touchy so we serve as your punching bag, no problem. You give birth and devote your entire being to the baby. Beautiful! Both dead tired, cranky at times, two different people trying to do something momentous and confusing for the first time; we figure it out.

After things start settling down, we look for a little us time, but the baby comes first. The docs say six weeks to sex, but 2-3 months go by and a rejected wandering hand makes clear that no means no. And then you avoid any offer of intimacy like a backrub or even hug lest he interpret it as an invitation for sex.

Many men are stunned at how quickly and thoroughly the romance dies. It feels like being dumped, and if he complains, well he is just jealous of the baby. That is about the lowest form of life possible for a man. The reality is that he misses his wife, a good thing for his baby, and he is not so much horny as lonely.

Did the new dad in your life miss your love and attention?  Did you two get the romance back?

What you can do
What you can do
    • Babies do change relationships - many for the better. Set the bar high for your relationship.
    • Be proactive and start the discussion early on about your priorities in raising your child, how you want to work together, and how you will handle the inevitable conflicts that arise.
    • Anticipate that becoming a family can polarize you two in as many ways as you are different, and respond constructively when it happens. No mind reading allowed; lay it out for him and listen to his side. Work it out.


    Make A List Of The Things You Like To Do Together

    The “list” has become standard advice at Boot Camp.  Your baby will overwhelm you and your mate to the point that you have neither the time nor the energy to have fun. Perhaps to the point you even forget how to have fun together. As a simple investment in your parenting partnership, sit down with your husband and make a list of the things you like to do together. After life with a baby settles down, pull out the list and pick out something to do. Even if your options are still limited, it will remind you both of what you had together.

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10 Things Moms-to-Be Should Know
About New Dads

Moms, check out this Top Ten list and let us know what you think. Share your experience about supporting a new dad, including what you did that worked and what you did that didn’t.

A mom-to-be has a huge array of support and information, including her mate, friends, family, the healthcare system, and entire media and retail sectors. A dad-to-be has you. … Read More

Mothers are the most important factor in a father’s involvement with his baby. You can facilitate it or hinder it, especially in the months surrounding the birth when a new dad’s motivation is strongest. ... Read More

If you back off on doing everything with the baby and expect him to do his part, he will. Encourage him to get out of the house with his baby on his own, giving them time to develop their very special relationship. ... Read More

Men thrive on respect, confidence and love, and all are in short supply as we become fathers. Focus on respect for what he does right. It will build his confidence and show you love him. ... Read More

Dads bring a unique set of strengths to raising kids and are the best brain development toys possible. Don’t turn dad into an assistant mom, encourage him to do it his way. Your baby will thrive on the difference. ... Read More

Having our babies get excited when they see us, and knowing we are there for them when they need us, feeds our souls as men. With experience, our confidence builds, our instincts kick in, and we start feeling like real dads. It just takes longer than with moms. ... Read More

It’s not about sex, it’s about love. New moms naturally and dramatically shift their attention, intimacy and love from dad to their baby. If mom is not happy with dad, your relationship can suffer dramatically. Even if you don’t feel like sex, he still needs to feel the love. ... Read More

OK, it is partly about sex, but if vacuuming alone resulted in more sex, we would be buying 500 horse power Dyson vacuums and supercharging them. Once life settles down with your new baby, focus on your relationship, and the sex will handle itself. ... Read More

The more he brings his child into his life, the more balance you get in your life. When mom gets more balance, dad gets more of mom, and balance in his life too. Everybody lives more happily ever after. ... Read More

Soon after you become pregnant, help him get a good start, because you soon will be overwhelmed with your own needs. Show him respect as a father-to-be with something that helps him along his path. ... Read More

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